Week CXXV: It's a Setup



1. Because the rhinoceros got there first.

2. No, you moron. You were supposed to wear it.

3. Yellow and red.

4. It was too hot.

5. The second candidate showed far more enthusiasm.

6. That's the vice president's job.  

7. Falling would have been too obvious.

9. It's not the beginning, it's the end.

10. Because tomatoes would have ruined the whole thing.

This Week's Contest: Come up with joke setups for any of the above punch lines. First-prize winner gets a dossier marked "Top Secret" and distributed to newspapers by the makers of "Bad Company," the new spy movie starring Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock. This was distributed by Touchstone Pictures in the hopes of garnering good reviews for this movie, of which Washington Post film critic Desson Howe says, "It injects the already tired genre of mismatched-buddy picture with a brand-new dose of head-hanging shame."

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, June 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke and Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CXXI, in which we supplied "Jeopardy!" answers and challenged you to come up with the questions.

A shockingly high percentage of entries incorrectly assumed that Abigail Van Buren was Martin's wife. Abigail Van Buren is Dear Abby.

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up:

Answer: Velcromagnon Man.

Question: Who was the first humanoid to practice monogamy, by necessity?

(Dodi Schultz, New York; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

[diam]Third Runner-Up:

Answer: Rapid I Movement.

Question: What is the term for what Washington bigwigs do when they scan the index of a new book to see if they are mentioned?

(Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

[diam]Second Runner-Up:

Answer: Fran Drescher and the Norwegian parliament.

Question: Who are 166 people who love smoked salmon?

(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

[diam]First Runner-Up:

Answer: "I can't hear you, you're breaking up."

Question: What was said by particularly cruel torturers during the Spanish Inquisition? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

[diam]And the winner of the four ebony candlesticks in the shape of a human foot:

Answer: Those paper toilet seat covers.

Question: What do redwood tree parents threaten their children that they will become if they don't absorb all their nutrients? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

I Can't Hear You, You're Breaking Up

What will the Supreme Court respond when Microsoft appeals its antitrust verdict? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Greg Arnold, Herndon; Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

What's less embarrassing than being told, "I can't hear you, you're breaking wind"? (Chris Doyle, Burke)

What did the deaf comic say to his appreciative audience?

(Chris Doyle, Burke)

Those Paper Toilet Seat Covers

What is a bum wrap?

(Paul A. Alter, Pittsburgh)

What provides about the same false sense of security as the federalized airport security force?

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What makes a really lousy parachute?

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

It Got Lost in the Translation

What was John Bobbitt's take on the result of asking his Ecuadoran wife for a slice of pizza?

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Enron and Cream of Mushroom Soup

What do the people at the SEC eat for lunch these days?

(Ellen Black, Centreville)

Name two things in President Bush's cabinet.

(Leo Ebersole, Evanston, Ill.)

What are two watered-down stocks?

(Hank Wallace, Washington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Name two things that need to be reconstituted.

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Fran Drescher and the Norwegian Parliament

What's the title of the world's worst adult video?

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Marc Leibert, New York; Chris Rubino, San Diego)

Who appoints the committee to choose the Nobel Prize Whiner?

(Catherine Boyd, Charlottesville)

Germany. Only Germany.

Who views "The Sound of Music" as propaganda?

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

According to the official Japanese high school curriculum, who is responsible for starting World War II?

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Definitely Not the Bob Levey Diet

What is more interesting than the Bob Levey sex life?

(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

What's the best way to lose some column inches?

(John O'Byrne, Dublin)

In what diet do you "pinge," a knee-slappingly funny combination of "binge" and "purge"?

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Abigail, but not Martin, Van Buren

To whom do you write for advice on getting out of a depression?

(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Whose twin sister told Santa Anna and the Mexican army to "MYOB, buttercups"? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Rapid I Movement

What does Donald Trump call his Ferrari?

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Velcromagnon Man

Which early human first mastered the art of keeping the loincloth securely in place? (Fred S. Souk, Reston)

Whose development of stay-on mittens helped them survive the Ice Age?

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Of all the hunters and gatherers, which was the best gatherer?

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Kukla, Fran and Osama

What was the main competition for Afghanistan's TV show "Truth or Get Your Hand Cut Off"?

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What show has big ratings in countries with puppet regimes?

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

A Mackerel Lollipop

How did Kojak cut down on his candy consumption?

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What was the unsuccessful follow-up to the popular candy Swedish Fish?

(Nicole Lockhart, Ann Arbor, Mich.)